For anything that doesn't quite fit into any other category.
2013 posts Page 197 of 202
Previous 1 ... 194, 195, 196, 197, 198, 199, 200 ... 202 Next
Did you know that the Scots were credited with saving the lives of WWII aviators returning from bombing raids to English air bases? 



After dropping their bombs, the pilots would fly low back over the channel. But the dense fog made it difficult to know if they were over friendly territory, in case they had to bail out. 



As they flew very low, they would look down at the houses, and when they saw the toilet paper, hanging out to dry... they knew they were back in "home" territory.
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
(My sentiments exactly!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known
as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?

What are we supposed to do, write to them?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells...
"THEIRS"?
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dogs, Butch and Taji, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!
22 ADULT TRUTHS

1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally  take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was  younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted  sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on  # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when  it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know  that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the  rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore  whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart  my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly  terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to  save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear  I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some  people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to  answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer  deserves a light as well.

16. I wish Google Maps had  an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

17. I have a hard time  deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 

18. How many times is it  appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile  because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 

19. I love the sense of  camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a  jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and  sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty.  Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you  can wear them forever.

21. Even under ideal  conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a  pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the  Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze  button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed,  first time, every time.
 
22. The first testicular  guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first  helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for  men to realize that their brain is also important. 

Ladies.....Quit  Laughing.
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?.

"No," said the little boy.. "It's a puppy".
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup
and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because
it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed
near the window?"
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid.
John
Water Bed in German furniture store.

Note that the sign says NOT to get on the bed,

but oh well..the best way to motivate people to do something is to put up a sign saying "Don't......!"

Turn on speakers and watch people trying out the water bed. It's in German, but that only makes it funnier.

Note how good natured they are about this...

Watch for the last two women.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wm-Ge8LL7o
Previous 1 ... 194, 195, 196, 197, 198, 199, 200 ... 202 Next
2013 posts Page 197 of 202

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 18 guests

cron