For anything that doesn't quite fit into any other category.
2013 posts Page 198 of 202
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The wife left a note on the fridge.........

"It's not working!! I can't take it any more, I've gone to stay at my Mom's!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........

God only knows what she was talking about.
I was visiting my son and family last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, you can borrow my iPad.

'I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...
Hopkins, a TV meteorologist, ran up a terrible forecasting record.

He was so bad that a newspaper tallied his miscues. In a single year, he was wrong 300 times.

That kind of notoriety got him fired.

He moved across country and applied for a similar job.

In the interview, he was asked the question he dreaded: "Why did you leave your last job?"

Hopkins replied, "The climate didn't agree with me."
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace
a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the
young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could
become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman
complained,

"I've been a little sick to my stomach."


The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing
the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount
you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"


As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine
that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"


"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on
the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I
noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was
what was probably making her sick."


"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think
I'll try that at the next house."


Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes
talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just
didn't have the energy she once did.


"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."


"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the
church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should
cut back a bit and see if that helps."


As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost
certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?


"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my
stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed
the preacher under the bed."
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she instructed.

When the hysteria and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to Seniors a little clearer.
The hypnotist

It was entertainment day at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced:
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put
into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude drew a beautiful antique pocket
watch from his coat pocket. "I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch".

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,suddenly, it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers, fell to the floor and broke into a
hundred pieces.

"Sh**!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Why did Mozart have to get rid of all of his chickens?

Because they spent the whole day saying..... Bach, Bach, Bach!
My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"
GeneVH

My SmugMug
My PrestoPhoto
Now on Flickr

CS5/LR4/Nikon D300 & D70s/Win7
ZEN SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.. Just pretty much leave me the heck alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes!

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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